Sunday, June 12, 2011
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Ok,
Something has went wrong with my links so hope this helps some. I have asked for help, no response yet. I added another friend, Betty, to my lists of contacts.
Betty, please leave a comment if you check this out so I will know you got in and thanks.
Sunny
Betty, please leave a comment if you check this out so I will know you got in and thanks.
Sunny
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Dam Letter
(Date Posted:04/11/2010 5:40 PM)
SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the dammed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the dammed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Works For Me, LOL!!!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came
Monday, March 15, 2010
What I want.....
What I Want In A Man!
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2.. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2.. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Another "alrighty then", lol!
Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
Slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
"Well, dummy, stop clapping!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
My Trip to the Emergency Room, etc.
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old
Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my
shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the
people got up and left. I guess they decided that they
weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my
waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time
you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works at DMV; it saved me 5 hours.
And the Laundromat... three minutes after entering,
I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's; the whole crew got up
and left and l never got my order.
--------------------------------------------------------------
11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . .
.
PLEASE SEND THIS MAIL TO ALL INTELLIGENT WOMEN,
DISCLAIMER: Since there were no persons that were involved, living or dead, in this story, there is no need for any disclaimer!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
Slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
"Well, dummy, stop clapping!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
My Trip to the Emergency Room, etc.
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old
Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my
shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the
people got up and left. I guess they decided that they
weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my
waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time
you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works at DMV; it saved me 5 hours.
And the Laundromat... three minutes after entering,
I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's; the whole crew got up
and left and l never got my order.
--------------------------------------------------------------
11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . .
.
PLEASE SEND THIS MAIL TO ALL INTELLIGENT WOMEN,
DISCLAIMER: Since there were no persons that were involved, living or dead, in this story, there is no need for any disclaimer!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Makes sence to me. lol!
THESE REALLY WORK!!
I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!!!!
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE, WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
When life gives you lemons…squirt the juice in your enemy’s eyes!!!
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle!!
I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!!!!
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE, WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
When life gives you lemons…squirt the juice in your enemy’s eyes!!!
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle!!
Friday, March 12, 2010
String of really cute jokes, lol!
While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
*****
As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'
******
Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!
******
On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'
*****
Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'
Smart Kid!
*****
Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joan ne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids.. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
God's Problem Now.
His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.
*****
Toupe, LOL!!
A senior citizens' group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip from Tampa, Florida to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it it runs away!'
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it it runs away!'
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Hahahahaha!
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her. It's a joke lol.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her. It's a joke lol.
SAY WHUT????
March 05, 2010 • 10:33 am
By Diana FasanellaA Croatian man has admitted that he has not gone outside when it’s thundering for three years since lightning struck his penis.
Not your normal lightning rod
Zoran Jurkovic of Vukovar was hit by lightning on his penis while riding his bicycle near the village of Perkovici during a thunderstorm in 2007, the Croatian Times reports.
Jurkovic, who friends have nicknamed “Thunderous,” was hit by thousands of volts that melted his bike. The rubber tires saved his life, doctors said.
To get back at his friends for their teasing, Jurkovic tells them his lightning-struck penis now has extraordinary abilities. In actuality, he says he just happy it’s functioning properly.
Jurkovic lives with his mother and is not married. (What a shock)
No stealing this guy’s thunder.
By Diana FasanellaA Croatian man has admitted that he has not gone outside when it’s thundering for three years since lightning struck his penis.
Not your normal lightning rod
Zoran Jurkovic of Vukovar was hit by lightning on his penis while riding his bicycle near the village of Perkovici during a thunderstorm in 2007, the Croatian Times reports.
Jurkovic, who friends have nicknamed “Thunderous,” was hit by thousands of volts that melted his bike. The rubber tires saved his life, doctors said.
To get back at his friends for their teasing, Jurkovic tells them his lightning-struck penis now has extraordinary abilities. In actuality, he says he just happy it’s functioning properly.
Jurkovic lives with his mother and is not married. (What a shock)
No stealing this guy’s thunder.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Age is...Our Friend!
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Bucket has a hole in it...lol!
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in
his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the
ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
(snicker, snicker, snicker...!)
--------------------------------------------------------------
He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in
his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the
ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
(snicker, snicker, snicker...!)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, February 22, 2010
Leather Humor
Leather Boy Humor
So I’m having a beer in a small pub when I hear motorcycles outside.The engines quiet and in the door walk eight leather-clad lads with boots and long chains dangling from their wallets and belt loops.( I assume that's so if their wallet falls our during a RIDE, it just bounces along the pavement until they get to their next stop?)
The place is empty but they see me and come right over and sit at the two tables next to mine. Soon they are drinking and getting loud. One turns to me and says,“You drivin’ that 18-wheeler old man?“ I reply in the positive. They all laugh and he says,“Well I always heard how tough and manly truckers are!“ They all laugh again.
He leans over and flips the bill of my Teamsters baseball cap with his finger - it flies off and lands on the floor behind me. They all laugh. Then he reaches over with a boot and kicks my aluminum walker and it goes spinning across the floor - one of the tennis balls comes off the back leg. They all laugh.
He stands up, leans across the table, picks up my beer mug and pours the last of my beer in my lap.( It would have been embarrassing except I had already peed my pants and so it worked as a sort of welcome camouflage.)
Now his lads were all laughing themselves silly. He says,“Come on trucker - tough guy, whatcha’ gonna’ do - are you a man?”
I get up and shuffle over - pick up my Teamsters cap and right my walker. I stop at the register and pay my tab. The waitress apologizes. I tell her no big deal - time I was back on the road anyway.
The waitress escorts me to the door, holds it till I shuffle on past and she steps back inside and walks over to the window.
The leather boys are hootin’ and laughing, giving high-fives to the one that had insulted me. Finally the noise settles some, he says to the waitress in a loud voice,“ Not much of a man was he sweetie?“
The waitress, still looking out the window says in a loud voice - to no one in particular,“ Guess not - and not much of a truck driver either - he just backed that fourty-foot trailer over that whole row of motorcycles.“
--
So I’m having a beer in a small pub when I hear motorcycles outside.The engines quiet and in the door walk eight leather-clad lads with boots and long chains dangling from their wallets and belt loops.( I assume that's so if their wallet falls our during a RIDE, it just bounces along the pavement until they get to their next stop?)
The place is empty but they see me and come right over and sit at the two tables next to mine. Soon they are drinking and getting loud. One turns to me and says,“You drivin’ that 18-wheeler old man?“ I reply in the positive. They all laugh and he says,“Well I always heard how tough and manly truckers are!“ They all laugh again.
He leans over and flips the bill of my Teamsters baseball cap with his finger - it flies off and lands on the floor behind me. They all laugh. Then he reaches over with a boot and kicks my aluminum walker and it goes spinning across the floor - one of the tennis balls comes off the back leg. They all laugh.
He stands up, leans across the table, picks up my beer mug and pours the last of my beer in my lap.( It would have been embarrassing except I had already peed my pants and so it worked as a sort of welcome camouflage.)
Now his lads were all laughing themselves silly. He says,“Come on trucker - tough guy, whatcha’ gonna’ do - are you a man?”
I get up and shuffle over - pick up my Teamsters cap and right my walker. I stop at the register and pay my tab. The waitress apologizes. I tell her no big deal - time I was back on the road anyway.
The waitress escorts me to the door, holds it till I shuffle on past and she steps back inside and walks over to the window.
The leather boys are hootin’ and laughing, giving high-fives to the one that had insulted me. Finally the noise settles some, he says to the waitress in a loud voice,“ Not much of a man was he sweetie?“
The waitress, still looking out the window says in a loud voice - to no one in particular,“ Guess not - and not much of a truck driver either - he just backed that fourty-foot trailer over that whole row of motorcycles.“
--
Ok.....(?).....Ok!
Date Posted:02/18/2010 1:01 PM)
......this guy's shirt. lol
Things that I found helpful by living this long. The purpose of fighting is to win..
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either... The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2.. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'
7. Beware the man who only carries one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
But wait, there's more!
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, it can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, “No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too”.
--------------------------------------------------------------
If you were late for a special ed class, would it be inappropriate to call you tardy? -Larry the cable guy
......this guy's shirt. lol
Things that I found helpful by living this long. The purpose of fighting is to win..
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either... The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2.. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'
7. Beware the man who only carries one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
But wait, there's more!
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, it can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, “No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too”.
--------------------------------------------------------------
If you were late for a special ed class, would it be inappropriate to call you tardy? -Larry the cable guy
Two old gals
2 Old Gals
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Dont screw around!!
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In
its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that
there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.
The growing years were real tough, as all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . And
thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk
in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was
thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and
bought a ticket to Nepal
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The* *guy was
told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the
following day when he awoke, the screw would have been
removed.. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the
mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the
screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying
on the pillow next to him. Reaching
down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he
leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.
The moral is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could
lose your ass.'
its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that
there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.
The growing years were real tough, as all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . And
thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk
in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was
thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and
bought a ticket to Nepal
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The* *guy was
told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the
following day when he awoke, the screw would have been
removed.. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the
mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the
screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying
on the pillow next to him. Reaching
down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he
leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.
The moral is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could
lose your ass.'
Friday, February 19, 2010
Bye, y'all. lol!!
URGENT WARNING..........
ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON SATURDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD-LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.
ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON SATURDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD-LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Can you?
if yuo can raed tihs, you hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
If you can read this, your brain is 50% faster than those who can't
Can you raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
If you can read this, your brain is 50% faster than those who can't
Released Terrorist!
I can't believe it ! The US Navy announced today that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. This is all part of the new TRP (Terrorist Release Program). In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
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