Donut, anyone?

Donut, anyone?
How to shut the alarm clock up: eat it!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Bucket has a hole in it...lol!

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in
his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the
ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

(snicker, snicker, snicker...!)
--------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 22, 2010

Leather Humor

Leather Boy Humor
So I’m having a beer in a small pub when I hear motorcycles outside.The engines quiet and in the door walk eight leather-clad lads with boots and long chains dangling from their wallets and belt loops.( I assume that's so if their wallet falls our during a RIDE, it just bounces along the pavement until they get to their next stop?)

The place is empty but they see me and come right over and sit at the two tables next to mine. Soon they are drinking and getting loud. One turns to me and says,“You drivin’ that 18-wheeler old man?“ I reply in the positive. They all laugh and he says,“Well I always heard how tough and manly truckers are!“ They all laugh again.

He leans over and flips the bill of my Teamsters baseball cap with his finger - it flies off and lands on the floor behind me. They all laugh. Then he reaches over with a boot and kicks my aluminum walker and it goes spinning across the floor - one of the tennis balls comes off the back leg. They all laugh.

He stands up, leans across the table, picks up my beer mug and pours the last of my beer in my lap.( It would have been embarrassing except I had already peed my pants and so it worked as a sort of welcome camouflage.)

Now his lads were all laughing themselves silly. He says,“Come on trucker - tough guy, whatcha’ gonna’ do - are you a man?”
I get up and shuffle over - pick up my Teamsters cap and right my walker. I stop at the register and pay my tab. The waitress apologizes. I tell her no big deal - time I was back on the road anyway.

The waitress escorts me to the door, holds it till I shuffle on past and she steps back inside and walks over to the window.

The leather boys are hootin’ and laughing, giving high-fives to the one that had insulted me. Finally the noise settles some, he says to the waitress in a loud voice,“ Not much of a man was he sweetie?“

The waitress, still looking out the window says in a loud voice - to no one in particular,“ Guess not - and not much of a truck driver either - he just backed that fourty-foot trailer over that whole row of motorcycles.“
--

Ok.....(?).....Ok!

Date Posted:02/18/2010 1:01 PM)
......this guy's shirt. lol







Things that I found helpful by living this long. The purpose of fighting is to win..

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either... The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.


1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2.. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware the man who only carries one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, it can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, “No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too”.







--------------------------------------------------------------
If you were late for a special ed class, would it be inappropriate to call you tardy? -Larry the cable guy

Two old gals

2 Old Gals


Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Dont screw around!!

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In
its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that
there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

The growing years were real tough, as all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . And
thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk
in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was
thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and
bought a ticket to Nepal

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The* *guy was
told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the
following day when he awoke, the screw would have been
removed.. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the
mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the
screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying
on the pillow next to him. Reaching
down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he
leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could
lose your ass.'

Friday, February 19, 2010

Bye, y'all. lol!!

URGENT WARNING..........



ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON SATURDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD-LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Can you?

if yuo can raed tihs, you hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.



If you can read this, your brain is 50% faster than those who can't


Released Terrorist!

I can't believe it ! The US Navy announced today that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. This is all part of the new TRP (Terrorist Release Program). In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

Instant back door needed!

Yes, camping in Canada can be lots of fun, but when a bear decides to wake you up, the fun usually stops here!

Comic Page

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good advice at bottom of page!

Shown below, is an "actual" letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.


When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.


#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


And remember: Don 't make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off

Early TV show, LOL!!!!

These great questions and answers are from the days
> when '
> Hollywood Squares' game
> show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
> they are now. Peter
> Marshall was the host asking the questions, of
> course...
>
>
>
>
>
> Q..
> Paul, what is a good reason for
> pounding meat?
>
>
> A.
> Paul Lynde :
> Loneliness!
>
> (The
> audience
> laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
> of the show!)
>
>
>
>
> Q.
> Do female frogs
> croak?
>
>
> A. Paul
> Lynde : If you hold their little heads
> under water long enough.
>
>
>
> Q.
> If
> you're going to make a parachute jump, at least
> how high should you
> be
>
> A.
> Charley Weaver :
> Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
>
>
> Q. True
> or False, a pea can last as
> long as 5,000 years.
>
>
> A.. George
> Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that
> way sometimes.
>
>
>
> Q.
> You've been having trouble going to
> sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
>
>
> A.
> Don Knotts :
> That's what's been keeping me awake.
>
>
>
> Q. According
> to
> Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
> you think
> that he is
> attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
> he's married?
>
> A..
> Rose Marie :
> No wait until morning.
>
>
>
> Q. Which
> of your five senses tends to
> diminish as you get older?
>
>
> A.
> Charley Weaver :
> My sense of decency..
>
>
>
> Q. In
> Hawaiian, does it take more than
> three words to say 'I Love
> You'?
>
>
> A. Vincent
> Price : No, you can say it with a
> pineapple and a twenty..
>
>
>
> Q. What
> are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and
> 'I Can't Get
> Enough'?
>
>
> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
> from the next apartment.
>
>
>
>
> Q. As
> you grow older, do you tend to
> gesture more or less with your hands while
> talking?
>
> A.
> Rose Marie: You ask me one more
> growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a
> gesture you'll never
> forget.
>
>
>
>
> Q.
>
> Paul , why do Hell's Angels
> wear leather?
>
>
> A. Paul
> Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too
> easily.
>
>
>
> Q.
> Charley, you've just
> decided to grow
> strawberries.. Are you going to get any during the
> first year?
>
> A.
> Charley Weaver: Of course not,
> I'm too busy growing strawberries.
>
>
>
> Q. In
> bowling, what's a perfect
> score?
>
> A. Rose
> Marie : Ralph ,
> the pin boy.
>
>
>
> Q.
> It
> is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
> at nudist camps. One
> is politics, what is the
> other?
>
>
> A. Paul
> Lynde : Tape measures.
>
>
>
> Q.
> During a tornado, are you safer in
> the bedroom or in the
> closet?
>
>
> A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe
> in the bedroom.
>
>
>
> Q. Can
> boys join the Camp
> Fire Girls?
>
> A.
> Marty Allen :
> Only after lights out.
>
>
>
> Q. When
> you pat a dog on its head he
> will wag his tail. What will a goose
> do?
>
> A. Paul
> Lynde : Make him bark?
>
>
>
> Q. If
> you were pregnant for two years,
> what would you give birth to?
>
>
> A.
> Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it
> would never be afraid of the dark.
>
>
>
> Q.
> According to Ann Landers, is there
> anything wrong with getting into the habit of
> kissing a lot of people?
>
> A.
> Charley Weaver :
> It got me out of the army.
>
>
>
> Q.. It is
> the most abused and neglected
> part of your body, what is it?
>
>
> A.
> Paul Lynde :
> Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
> neglected..
>
>
>
> Q. Back
> in the old
> days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
> what was he
> trying to do?
>
> A.
> George Gobel :
> Get it in his mouth.
>
>
>
> Q. Who
> stays pregnant for a longer
> period of time, your wife or your
> elephant?
>
> A. Paul
> Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
>
>
>
> Q. When
> a couple have
> a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
>
>
> A.
> Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the
> car, the rest is up to him
>
>
>
> Q.
> Jackie Gleason
> recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
> actually seen
> them on at least two occasions. What are they?
>
>
> A.
> Charley Weaver :
> His feet.
>
>
>
> Q.
> According to Ann Landers, what are
> two things you should never do in
> bed?
>
> A. Paul
> Lynde : Point and laugh
>
>
>
> WE
> DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE
> GROW OLD, WE GROW
> OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
>
>


-------------------------------------------------------------

"Directions"

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Walmart Wine List

Wal-Mart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas . "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Red Hot Chillies!

WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD!!

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.



Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.



Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.



Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.



Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'



My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store

gh!!!


Reply Forward Delete Report as Junk Print

Email from my best friend/sister in MO. LOL!

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.One
of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10
bill.When the male dancer came over to us,my friend licked the $10
billand stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the
guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls
out a $50 bill and calls the guy over,and licks the $50 bill.I'm
worried about the way things are going,but fortunately, she just stuck
it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now
every-one's attentionis focused on me, and the guy is egging me on?to
try to top the $50.. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed
the eighty bucks,and left!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Start searching NOW! Search for properties that match your lifestyle!

--
http://sunnydaze-myspecialplace.blogspot.com/

http://sunnydaze-allthingsfunny.blogspot.com/

Monday, February 8, 2010

Southern women Southern style

The first man married a woman from OHIO . He
told her  that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a
couple  of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean  house
and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married  a woman from
MICHIGAN .
He gave his wife orders that she was to do  all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. The first day he didn't  see any results, but the next day
he saw it was better. By the  third day, he saw his house was clean, the
dishes were done and  there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a  girl from THE SOUTH. He
ordered her to keep the house cleaned,  dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the  table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything,  the second day he didn't see anything
but by the third day, some of  the swelling had gone down and he could
see a little out of his  left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he
could fix himself a  sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some
difficulty when  he  urina
tes




A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Age? Remind me not to get old.(er) lol!

A group of 40 years old buddies meet and discuss where they willl have dinner. Finally, after lengthy discussion, they decide to go to the Hofbrau restaurant because the waitresses have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again meets and again there is much discussion about a place for dinner. Finally, they agree to go to the Hofbrau because the food is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again there is much discussion about dinner. And finally it is agreed to meet at the Hofbrau because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again - same discussion. Finally, they decide go to the Hofbrau because the restaurant is wheel-chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again. Finally, they agree to eat at the Hofbrau because none of them has ever been there before.

Old Sayings......

They are still funny I think.

1.A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.


--------------------------------------------------------------

How to recognize a gay Terrorist

This isnt meant to demean or belittle anyone. I thought it was funny and belonged here!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Did this work?

I think my email is broken!


These are the good old days. Enjoy them. You are going to miss them in the years ahead of you.

I stole this joke from lulu, lol!!!

I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the DOG FOOD poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. LULU

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Stimulus Check

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
>
>
>
> This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
>
>
> Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
>
> A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
>
>
> Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
>
> A. From taxpayers.
>
>
> Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
>
> A. Only a smidgen of it.
>
>
> Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
>
> A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
> high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
>
>
> Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
>
> A. Shut up.
>
>
> Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
>
>
>
>
> * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will
> go to China or Sri Lanka .
>
>
> * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
> Arabs.
>
>
> * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
> China .
>
>
>
> * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
> Honduras and Guatemala ..
>
>
>
> * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
>
>
>
>
> * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
>
>
>
> * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
> to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
>
>
> Instead, keep the money in America by:
>
>
> 1) Spending it at yard sales, or
>
> 2) Going to ball games, or
>
> 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
>
> 4) Beer or
>
> 5) Tattoos.
>
>
> (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
>
>
>
> Conclusion:
>
> Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
> sale and drink beer all day !
>
>
> No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
>

Never wax your hooha

NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HAA

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair
and now..the wax. Read on..........


My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
the next few hours:'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the
medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough
to figure this out.(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet..
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.... must stay conscious... must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not!
I touch.. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped
upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop..
My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub.... in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have
a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to
hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking
cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape
the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and
scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Fwd: My Funny Animals



---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: My Funny Animals <jonathan@lesanimauxdroles.com>
Date: Wed, Feb 3, 2010 at 8:17 PM
Subject: My Funny Animals
To: sunnydaze1942@gmail.com


My Funny Animals
 

Link to My Funny Animals
 

Towel dog

Posted: 03 Feb 2010 02:43 PM PST

Caution, this dog is not a towel!  ;-)

 

Wath a funny dog with all this crease!  It's easy to mix up the towel with the dog!  Someone know the name of this breed of dog?

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kitty